The nuances of patriarchy

Now I’m getting super specific… it’s long…. Grab a cuppa something.

And

I don’t know how to do this without being binary…. Please understand.

Stay with me…. I am getting to some brass tacks…. Or are they seeds wanting to sprout?

Please don’t take it personally…. But do take it in as a personal possibility.

To start off…. Much that I have been sharing about are the nuances of patriarchy and the communication that happens in the world … often unawares and yet with apparent good intention. I see and feel it personally.

I believe male bodied people often say things to female bodied people that they think will comfort them… but the person did not ask for comfort. They wanted full freedom to simply be heard.

Or they explain something the person already completely understands but has said it differently. Negating that the female has the intelligence to already know.

Or the male wants to give advice about what the female should do to fix the thing the male makes up is the problem. And the female did not ask for advice.

Or the man placates the woman with patronizing comments. “Don’t you worry about that”.

I suspect that there are scores of women that can’t actually clearly identify what is slowly irritating the crap out of them… but it starts to eat away at them slowly… having them slowly stop sharing as intimately, not listening as deeply to the other, incrementally pulling away from affection…

All because of these very subtle underground unconscious patriarchal communications.

I am suggesting that sometimes neither party is able to identify what is going on.

This is not to blame…. It is to lift up a dynamic to look at, try on and ponder.

I want to bring awareness to some tiny things that may be happening that you don’t know you do and suddenly people are backing away from you. And for the receiver—- you don’t even know you are irritated but you start to feel less connected.

If someone shares with you and you then immediately tell them your similar experience… you have taken away their impetus to explore their experience more deeply.

I have been calling out such things…. And herein lies my hesitation but it is woven through with such a deep loving desire to share how to go deeper with me, or with any other female bodied person in your life.

With this person’s permission

I am going to take a comment from one of my posts apart. It is not to belittle… please breathe …. and know this may bring you closer to your person.

Here’s the post:

The parentheses -(((are what I heard in my head when reading it))):

(((That’s sweet..)))

You keep doing your best

(((stop telling me what to do like I’m a little girl- okay dad , I’ll do my best … it landed for me like my head was being patted ”there, there everything is going to be just fine. … like, what I am doing is not what you think I should be doing)))

and don't feel like ..

(((don’t tell me how to feel)))

….you have to leave a post visible to everyone

((( I did not ask for advice or a solution to my sharing)))

as you sit with how you can feel right about saying something.

((( imagining you know the dynamic I am in the middle of and how I “should” move forward —- I didn’t know there was a “right” way to feel))

I've been having my own issues ….

(((bringing the conversation back to yourself)))

Keep being yourself

(((again advice on how I need to be)))

and know you are loved and

(((That’s nice …. And It sounds parental)))

appreciated by your families of choice in Facebook and HAI Global.

((()))

Okay okay.. may be that was brutal. Was it?

I am breathing with you. Sending big gratitude to the person who posted this.

And I know absolutely what I heard in my head was NOT what he meant.

He believed he was writing me a supportive and kind email… and I fully got that.

But underneath his intention was this little squiggling “ouch” for me that wouldn’t let me bask in his kind intention.

This is the nature of the current patriarchal manifestation — it’s underground and it’s swooping around like a ghost…. Dropping tiny painful things that make us stop and feel disconnected.

I have the honor of leading HAI communication courses… and I see the nuances more and more…. AND more!

I wonder if we can take on looking a little deeper and pausing before we open our mouths to see if what we are about to say honors the person speaking, points them back to themselves and their own discovery.

Pausing now.

Breathing…,

And believing this is possible!

If you hung in here with me… I thank you for allowing me the space to explore the intricacies that are rushing to the surface of my heart and soul and mind to be written