You respond with: Silence

I wrote this ten days ago …. I let it simmer awhile…. My fury with the world has not abated.

my pattern..

the pattern

A pattern

This is a compilation of personal experiences- previous relationships, experiences that have been told to me, interactions I have witnessed …..

It’s an age old pattern I want to understand and to change….. and crush into oblivion.

Read as if it is also you.

I feel something that I resonate with,

I experience something I want to share that upset me,.. or had me feel hurt, disrespected or triggered for a reason I can’t put my finger on.

I find my voice… and say it as directly and clearly as I know how. ( note…prior to this moment I would have padded what I wanted to say so you could hear it comfortably and not take it personally even though it may or may not have been about you)

I say what is alive in me.

“That felt like an order, I would like to be asked”

“ I had a feeling of pain, I would like it to be acknowledged.”

“That felt like you think you know what is better for me than I do and you want to offer me ideas not to feel that. I would like to be asked if I am in need of your comfort… or suggestions.”

“Can you just let me speak all the words that are in me without interrupting?”

( and a million other very, very subtle exchanges.)

So…. I share with you directly- and am still wondering internally if that was okay for me to say. ( I despise that I have these internal questions)

You respond with:

Silence

“Okay then, have it your way”

“Here, let me explain again why what I think what is needed is …”

“I don’t want to do that. “

Defensiveness : “ that’s not what I meant.” “you always criticize” … “I was just trying to help.”

“That hurt… because::::::”

“I can fix this”

“I know the answer to this experience of feeling or upset better than you do. I will make it right or better.”

“ Let me explain another way of thinking about this”.

( these trigger me more)

WHAT IF THIS:

A pause, a slow inhalation, finding a way to look into my eyes….

And…..

“Oh, I get it….. that was a hard thing to hear….… I am so sorry that happened.. Do you want to tell me more about that feeling.?”

Then you listen.

And then…. Is there more?

And you listen some more.

Anything else ?

(staying silent while they look within)

Then:

Listen some more.

“Is there anything you need right now?”

Hear the request…

Provide it if possible.

( this feels like a relief)

What is beautiful about this… is, in the rarefied space of being truly heard, I come up with my own understanding, my own needs for action … my answer!!

When the response is other than the above offered possible acknowledgment… another feeling arises—-and many internal voices:

“Harumph…. I finally found my voice and you didn’t like it. “

First feeling is prickly irritation

Or frustration or anger or silent seething - wondering why I bothered to express.

Next… in seconds or minutes or hours.

Self sabotaging questions arise;

“ was I too direct?”

“Did I hurt their feelings?”

“Should I have kept my mouth shut?”

“I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“I feel guilty for rocking the boat”

“I feel bad now”

“He/they is going to go away and hold this against me.”

“ I ruined our connection/relationship/ the day/ this interaction ….”

“ it’s useless to keep trying to just be heard. “

Blah blah blah…

Then more time passes and—-

I wake up in the morning:::

Thinking I should apologize

And damn, I do. (and it does nothing to soothe me and you decide you were right all along)

OR

I snuggle up and get sexy to soothe the feelings. (I feel used…. And I initiated !! and yet it feels compulsory- gross)

OR

I compartmentalize it and shake my head and decide this will never change. ( that’s giving up)

OR

I do give up what upset me in the beginning. ( it doesn’t matter—- I don’t matter)

Left feeling the futility of simply wanting to be heard.

Sadness

Debilitation

Fury

Separation

Defeat

OR—-

Resolve to try again. And this is profoundly difficult to achieve …. I have to reach through miles of sticky ancient mud to find the proverbial boot straps.

This is the patriarchy that has been at work in my life….and our lives forever….

I am curious about the internal experience when YOU say something that is a fix, an explanation an unasked for soothing or a diminishment.

Do you notice that it did not feel good to the recipient?

Do you wish you could retract it?

Do you feel guilt or sadness?

What’s the discomfort?

Or do you walk away knowing you were right and justified for what you said or did. ?

My fear is that these kinds of interactions are so subtle and often appear kind on the surface…. Using heartfelt communication skills - that they don’t get called out ,,,, and I end up silencing the voice that is attempting to find its legs on solid ground.

This is profoundly disheartening.

Maybe there is an opposite version of this… if there is please share.

In the final synopsis….

All I really want is for you to be in inquiry with me.

To go on the roller coaster ride with me….

To plow that field with me….

Or go on the submarine exploration with me … What pain? What fury? What past? What pattern lodged into me at an early age that had this hurt me?

It is impossible to wrap this conversation up with a bow and move on. It is not complete.

The only way to even begin to soothe the wild beauty erupting from the caged and muted woman is to give her space to hear her own voice… hear her own soul being honored and celebrated out here in a world that is brave enough and curious enough to believe this may be a new voice… a voice that has never been heard this clearly from this perspective before and that has ancient wisdom to offer as you listen with intent curiosity.